GOOD ADVICE WHEN SELLING!

A guy's guide to a spiffy abode
Barbara Mahany
Chicago Tribune October 31, 2011

We’re not pointing fingers or anything, but let’s just say we might have strolled into more than one apartment in our time in which the fellow in charge of cleaning was, well, clearly otherwise preoccupied.

Exhibit One might have been the kitchen sink, piled high with a good month’s worth of dirty dishes, spaghetti sauce now permanently splattered to the wall, a la Jackson Pollock. Or maybe it was whatever lurked behind the bathroom door. And made us slam the door, dash down the hall and bang on some stranger’s door in search of a salle de bain not quite so, um, pungent.

Fact is, plenty of males we know need help in the cleanup department. And we are here, mop and dustbin at the ready, to leap to the rescue. We enlisted the expert advice of Nicole Sforza, senior home editor at Real Simple magazine and a clean freak who knows her way around all the nooks, crannies and dust holes that might trip up a lesser soul.

Herewith, our Guy’s Guide to Housecleaning, headlining the top 10 tips for a spick-and-span abode. Or, as Sforza put it: “How to minimize the gross factor.”

1. DITCH THE TOILET BRUSH, DUDE. No really. You do not want that nasty thing festering in the holder, over there in the corner. “Minimize the concept altogether,” says Sforza. Go with disposable toilet brushes. Swish, and ditch. (Or ditch ‘em altogether: Next time you find yourself in need of Alka-Seltzer, well, your toilet bowl could use two, too. Just pop ‘em in the bowl, let the bubbles do their thing, and 20 minutes later, flush it all away.)

2. HIDE THE GOODS. Keep a bottle of all-purpose cleaner in every room in your house, but hide it. Under the couch. Beneath the sink. You name it.

3. CUT THE BIG SCREEN FIXATION. Do not, do not spritz any sort of cleaner on your big screen, boys. Ditto for the computer screen or any electronic gizmos that sport a dusty patina. Instead, next time you haul a load of laundry out of the dryer, grab the old dryer sheet (yes, the one that just came out of the dryer) and wipe down your screens, all of ‘em.

4. BE STILL MY DUSTER HEART. Yes, the hand-held shaggy-haired wandy thingy is the next best thing to that genie in a bottle. You don’t need any spray. Just swipe the duster on any surface and you’ll clear the decks of dust. But beware: When the duster starts to turn a greyish colour (say, how you look when you glance in the mirror on the morning after a big night out), it’s time to toss it out.

5. LEAVE IT WHERE YOU’LL TRIP OVER IT. The tile cleaner, that is. Tuck it between the shower curtain and the shower liner (if you have one), so you’ll remember to spritz the tile walls every time you suds up.

6. HIDE ALL BUT THE ESSENTIALS, when it comes to the bathroom at least. Toothbrush? Toothbrush holder? Razor? Rusty can of shaving cream? Why do you think medicine cabinets come with doors? Shove ‘em back there, and forget ‘em. If you’re lucky, no nosy body will stick her nose in there and sniff out your unsightly ways.

7. VROOM, VROOM GOES THE VACUUM. Just because you have thick rugs or shaggy carpet and can’t see the dirt, don’t think it’s not down there. Plug in the vacuum, and suck it up. Sforza’s tips: Don’t pretend you have no vacuum; remember to overlap your path; and a mini hand vac never hurts — you can swipe up a rug in no time.

8. THE BATHTUB. We could spend weeks on this sorry pit, but let’s start easy. If you’ve remembered to put a hair trap over the drain, know this: You do have to clean out the hairs. And pouring a shot of white vinegar and a clump of baking soda down that drain will never ever be a bad idea. Have at it, Mr. Volcano Man.

9. MOVE OVER, MICROWAVE GRUNGE. You’re gonna love this: Fill a microwave-safe bowl with water (a squirt of lemon scores you extra points); zap for five minutes, till the inside of the ‘wave is all steamy. Wipe it down with paper towel and you’re back in business, splatter-free.

10. TIME TO HIT THE KITCHEN SINK. Once you suds through the month’s worth of dirty plates and bowls, you will notice that there is a sink down there. It will need a shine. Take half a lemon and swipe it all over your sink’s surface, and if — and only if — you have a garbage disposal, make it purr: Stuff a half lemon down there and crank it up. Your kitchen will smell like a citrus grove. Well, maybe.

AND NOW FOR SOME TRICKS TO GET YOU IN THE CLEANIN’ GROOVE:

—INVITE FOLKS OVER. Yes, sir, surest way to force you to clean is to consider the faces of your friends when they realize what a slob you really are. Sorry, tough love is the only way sometimes.

—SPEED CLEAN. Set a time limit, something tolerable, say, 20 minutes. Crank the timer. Rush around like a crazy man. See how much real estate you can cover before the gong goes off.

—STICK TO COMMERCIAL BREAKS. Got a long night in front of the big screen? Well, put those commercials to good use, and commit to cleaning while the ads whir by. By the time you click it off for the night, your home sweet home could be shinin’.

—A GREAT PLAYLIST IS A HOUSECLEANER’S BEST FRIEND. We’ll let you compile your own.

Photo By: Christian Yanchula